THE TOP 10 REASONS WHY LAWYERS SHOULD REPLACE LABORATORY RATS.
10. There is an endless supply
  9. Lab assistants don't get attached to them
  8. It's more fun to shave and stick needles in Lawyers
  7. There are some things Rats just won't do
  6. It's fun to dispose of them when your through
  5. It's not "inhumane" treatment when it comes to Lawyers
  4. No one cares when a Lawyer sqeals
  3. We've seen what happens when they are allowed to breed freely
  2. Lawyers belong in cages
And the #1 reason why Lawyers should replace Lab rats is;
  1. Animal rights groups don't care if you torture them.

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his  tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an  honest man, and a lawyer." The stone-carver insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried beneath the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe:
    "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:
    "That's Strange!"

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap,so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
    The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she
politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
       The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
       Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
        After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

"It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets.

"Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

Q: How was copper wire invented? A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

Why don't lawyers go to the beach? Cats keep trying to bury them.

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? Because deep down, they're really good people.

An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse was struck by a car at an intersection. Smith sued the driver. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer: Lawyer: "Mr. Smith, you've told us all about your injuries. But according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you were not injured at all?" Smith: Well, let me explain. When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked at my horse. He said 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his gun and shot the horse. He then came up to me and asked me how I was doing. I of course immediately said "I'm fine!"

What do you call 100 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? Their lips are moving.

Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers? New Jersey got to pick first.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.

How do you save a drowning laywer? Take your foot off his head.

What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.

What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? The caterer.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed." The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."

The problems with lawyer jokes is that 1. lawyers don't think they're funny and, 2. the rest of us don't think they're jokes!

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: Why are lawyers like enemas? A: You hate them until you need one, then you still hate them.

Q: What is a criminal lawyer? A: Redundant.

Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter? A: Sue.

Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer? A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

Q: What separates police officers from the lowest form of life on the earth? A: In the courtroom, it's the partitions around the witness stand.

Q: How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50? A: "Good morning, your honor."

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control? A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

Q: Why is it dangerous for lawyers to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working? A: The plumbers might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

Q: What do you call parachuting lawyers? A: Skeet.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q: Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having sex? A: Because it's all bad and some is worse.

Q: How do you know if a lawyer is well-hung? A: When you can't fit your fingers between the rope and his neck.

Q: What do slime molds have more of than lawyers? A: Respect.

Q: Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers? A: There are some things that would gag even a vulture.

Q: What would happen if you locked a cannibal in a room full of lawyers? A: He would starve to death.

Q: What do molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common? A: They're all slime.

Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road? A: He saw a car accident on the other side.

Q: What are some of the requirements to becoming a lawyer? A: You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and dope abusers off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM.

Q: What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them? A: You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while, "I'm gonna sue!!"

Q: Why don't hyenas eat lawyers? A: Even hyenas has some dignity.

Q: What do you call an honest lawyer? A: An impossibility.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer? A: Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.

Q: Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career? A: At least he wasn't a lawyer.

Q: What's the difference between pigs and lawyers. A: You can learn to respect a pig.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? A1: Take your foot off his head. A2: No. R: Good!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of junk? A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand

Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A: From chasing parked ambulances.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer? A: In the cemetary

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties? A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and potholes? A1: People try to avoid hitting potholes! A2: People do not run over the same pothole more than once.

Q: What educational programs should the United States support to ameliorate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance? A: Japanese language lessons for lawyers.

Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A: One is a disgusting, bottom feeding scavenger, and the other is just a fish.

Q: Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard? A: So they can park in the hanicapped parking. (they are morally handicapped)

Q: What are lawyers good for? A: They make car salesmen look good!

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb. A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...